Spoilers for season three of The Traitors (U.S.) ahead! Consider yourself warned!
Have you ever met a grandmother you just knew you couldn’t trust? She’s dressed in a froufrou top and orthopedic shoes. She’s got Werther’s Original hard candies clanking in her fraying, kisslock handbags. She smells like mothballs and baby powder, and she asks you for hug after hug, reminding you she knew you when you were just this big, but as soon as you leave her presence, she turns to her granny friends and talks smack on you, like the wolf from “Little Red Riding Hood” who tugged his big ears into a tiny bonnet all in the name of chasing a snack.
That’s who Danielle Reyes reminded me of in this episode of The Traitors. This woman was wearing a plaid blazer paired with floral frilly mockneck and dress pants, lying and looking across the roundtable at Dylan Efron, like, “Please, you have to believe me!” I actually would have reason to seriously mistrust you based on the shirt alone!
Speaking of mistrust, and I can’t believe I’m even saying this, but why would Danielle and her new blazer-loving, substitute-teacher-cosplaying accomplice Britney Haynes kill off Tom Sandoval? I ask not because I wanted Tom to win but because I wish I did not have to witness his delulu exit interview. Tom is saying “I was the most threatening guy”; meanwhile, Dylan is over here in his well-tailored pants, batting his baby blues at all the girls, who are in turn going “Goo-goo ga-ga” like he’s some innocent infant in need of gentle burping. Dylan has the mansion wrapped around his finger, but sure, believe whatever you’d like, Tom. At least he got one more chance to get a fit off in his kilt.
Tom’s sworn enemy, Dolores, was in a celebratory mood following his downfall, showing up to breakfast in that chic mob-wife-aesthetic fur coat. I will say I was shocked to see her switch it up at the challenge with what looks like my baby blankie wrapped around her neck. Dolores, if you want to mail that back to me, you can just send it to the office or something. Combined with her hoodie cocooning her upper body and her sweatpants nearly dragging on the ground, she reminded me of my college friends dragging themselves to a Taco Bell on Sunday morning while fighting the urge to upchuck. And you know what, after digging through those manure money bags, she probably smells like them, too …
Maybe that’s why Alan Cumming showed up in those long black latex gloves. He looked like he was about to shove his hands up a farm cow’s butt for its annual physical.
Anyway, you know the drill! Here are this week’s rankings based on fashion alone.
Very Traitorous: Dolores’s outfits look like she’s either a side character on The Sopranos or a hungover college kid in the midwest. Both are equally sinister.
Traitorous: Gabby. If you look too fabulous, you know they’re gonna come after you. I like this little gray cape you’ve got going on, but my boyfriend said you look like a panhandle cover. (Some people will just never understand.) And while I love the heeled boots, we have to remember what happened to the last girl who wore cunty boots in the castle (Ciara).
Faithful: Ivar, solely for the wholesome fishing hat. Although … fishing does often involve killing …
Very Faithful: Danielle, sweetums, your outfit makes you look like you are ready for bingo night, which, don’t get me wrong, sounds incredibly fun — but perhaps not an ensemble fit for an on-the-loose murderer.
Where the hell was Lala? I would’ve loved to see her in one of those Chloé-esque boho clown costumes!
[Editor’s note: We’ll be talking about the most outrageous outfits every episode this season, so tune back for more. And as far as photos go, we are giving you as many images as Daddy NBC will let us have. We will grovel for more in the coming weeks.]