Spoilers for season three of The Traitors (U.S.) ahead! Consider yourself warned!
Gather round, ye Faithfuls! Amongst the horrible royalty-free music, Tom Sandoval shooting daggers at every person he makes eye contact with, and Dolores Catania from Real Housewives of New Jersey using up an entire tube of lipstick to campily squeak out “Traitor suspects”on her bathroom mirror, things are heating up at The Traitors castle.
We’re only one episode in to season three of The Traitors, and there’s already so much chaos: reality-TV royalty fighting with actual royalty, Dylan Efron doing stressed-out crunches on the floor of his room, and three full-grown men dangling from cages above a gawking crowd (the Vegas Omnia should contact Boston Rob, he could really have a future as a showgirl there). Meanwhile, Bob the Drag Queen is looking chill in a thick knit hat while Sandoval is fully sweating through his gray shirt. Why are you sweating so much, Sandy? Something you’re nervous about? Something to hide? Perhaps a secret relationship? Or a career as a “murderer”?
This episode was a feast for my eyes. Those inclined to dress more casually have started loosening up, opting for casual jackets and jeans, and those who can’t help but slay are wearing even more boisterous outfits. I mean, Bob the Drag Queen was wearing kente cloth. Someone call Nancy Pelosi!
If I were but a mere contestant on the show, here’s who I’d peg as a Traitor or Faithful based solely on what they’re wearing:
Very Traitorous: Bob the Drag Queen called Boston Rob’s baseball cap and blazer combo a fashion crime … but what if I said I was kind of into it? It’s giving villainous baseball coach at the team dinner where he’s mostly there to flirt with the moms. It’s kind of a giveaway that he’d be a Traitor.
Traitorous: Chrishell Stause, you have to stop. Your Euphoria, rhinestone eyeliner slays too hard, your corset is too snatched, they’ll kill you!
Faithful: Biggest Loser trainer Bob H. is allergic to wearing anything other than Thom Browne. Like, this man pulled up to the middle of the woods in a puffer set and matching leggings from the label. I think a man that loyal to a brand would have a hard time lying so easily.
Very Faithful: Wes Bergmann (of MTV’s The Challenge fame) in his letterman jacket. Let the past be the past, brother. We get it, you’re innocent.
Honorable mentions to Ayan for her little hat and especially to Lala the dog and her tartan bow tie. Scottie queen!
[Editor’s note: We’ll be talking about the most outrageous every episode this season, so tune back for more. And as far as photos go, we are giving you as many images as Daddy NBC will let us have. We will grovel for more in the coming weeks.]