Dear Emily,
My oldest daughter recently told me she and her boyfriend want to have a baby, and soon — even in the next year or so. I never thought she would have kids (this is the first time she’s ever said otherwise) and I was overjoyed; I think they’ll be such great parents! But here’s the thing: She wants me to move to New York City, where she lives, so I can help with child care and be part of their “village.”
I get where she’s coming from — if I stayed where I am, in the midwest, how often would I realistically be able to see them and the baby? A few times a year at most? That’s not enough. Children are not children for very long, and I don’t want to miss out on those years. I’m a divorced empty nester, and I’ve always wanted to get out of this little town and live somewhere else. I work in health care and could probably get another job pretty similar to the one I have now.
But it would be such a huge change. I’ve lived here basically my entire life, and I have a real community of friends and co-workers I’ve built. It’s daunting to think about starting over now. There are so many other questions to consider: Who will take care of my parents as they age? Will I even be able to afford living in New York? What if I hate it there? And even more than that — what if I don’t feel like being on call to watch their baby all the time? Am I just signing myself up for more labor that I thought was behind me?
Sincerely,
Grandma in the Big City
Dear Grandma in the Big City,
Let’s all slow down and take a deep breath here! Your daughter isn’t even pregnant yet, and she’s asking you to consider a major life change. While it’s great to have more time to think it over and work out the logistics before it becomes necessary, I personally would want to wait until she’s past the first trimester before I put my house on the market. And I’d also want to sit down with your daughter and her boyfriend and have a serious conversation about exactly what they’re expecting from you in the way of caregiving.
If you’re planning on continuing to work full time (you mention looking for another job on the East Coast), then realistically, you’re only going to be available to care for your hypothetical grandchild on some evenings and weekend days. Seeing as that’s the case, you could move to a less-expensive city that’s still within commuting distance from your daughter. You could spend weekends with your grandchild, and maybe do the occasional overnight babysitting gig. The other upside of this scenario is that you wouldn’t be “on call,” or at least not to the extent that you would be if you lived a few blocks away.
You might wind up doing something like what I did with my heroic parents, who live five-ish hours away. When the kids were little, they visited as often as they could. Then, as soon as both kids were comfortable being away from us overnight, they started hosting what has come to be known in my household as “Camp Grandma and Grandpa,” a high-impact week or two of concentrated grandchildren care during the summer and on some school breaks. It leaves everyone sated for a while in terms of bonding and also (for us) of living a blessedly child-free existence. (Oh, the glory of waking up and not immediately having to do anything! I thought I’d never experience it again!)
Practicalities aside, it’s worth stepping back and asking what you really feel. How much is realistic for you to give your daughter? There are many ways to be an involved grandparent, and being a reliable source of backup child care is only one of them. Some grandparents visit at regular intervals throughout the year and/or ensure that their kids and grandchildren are able to comfortably visit them. Other grandparents can’t spend as much IRL time with their grandchildren but keep in regular contact via FaceTime, postcards, and care packages. If you’re hesitant about reliving “labor you thought was behind you,” it may be that you’re not ready to commit to being part of your daughter’s “village,” and that’s actually okay. It may not be what she wants, but I’m sure she realizes that asking you to relocate to one of the most expensive cities in America is a tall order.
Whatever path you choose, do it because it’s what you want, not just because it’s what you think is best for your daughter and her putative family. “I’ve always wanted to get out of this little town and live somewhere else” is the part of your letter that stands out to me the most. If you do that, don’t do it for anyone else’s sake. Do it for yourself. If it brings you closer to your grandchild, that’s a bonus.
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