You there, child! What day is it? Is it … Christmas Day? Not at all. But this week did mark the release of Goop’s annual holiday gift guides. Gwyneth Paltrow, the Santa Claus of rich and horny moms, has gifted us all with yet another roundup of the most buck-wild presents to stuff your loved ones’ stockings. Wink-wink, and also, nudge-nudge.
At this point, Goop is just baiting us to talk about how absurd its gift guides are. After all, this is the brand known for such classic hits as the jade vagina egg and the (reportedly exploding) vagina candle. (Both the vagina candle and its sister scent, This Smells Like My Orgasm, have made the gift guide multiple years in a row.) Alongside gift ideas for kids, hosts, and travelers, Goop has an entire list called “The Ridiculous But Awesome Gift Guide.” And you know what? I will gladly take its diamond-encrusted, collagen-fortified bait.
In years past, the Goop holiday gift guide has included a watermelon bag (a tote designed specifically to carry an entire watermelon) and a DIY-dildo kit, which allowed you to make an exact replica of your favorite penis. This year’s lists are equally abundant, including 15 different vibrators, a Louis Vuitton skimboard, and this big ol’ jamón leg. Gifts run the gamut from expensive to house down payment, though Goop has generously curated an under-$100 guide for us peons. The least-expensive item is a five-pack of dietary-supplement packets ($12). There’s also a $15 bottle of wine. Both of these seem perfectly reasonable until you realize the guide includes two different kinds of artisanal toilet paper — a six-pack of neon toilet paper ($18) and a 24-pack of bamboo toilet paper ($44). The most expensive item is a vintage Ford Bronco, which starts at $250,000.
Who has the audacity to gift (or receive) a quarter-million-dollar vintage car for the holidays? Probably the same person who sees this $9,700 cold-therapy tank or a $29,495 Rolex and thinks, Ah, yes! I’ve been meaning to grab one of those. The gift guide for kids is particularly baffling; it includes a $690 roller-skate necklace, a “first enamelware” bake set that costs more than my own cookware, and a stay at a kids’ club in the Maldives. This begs the question: Am I too old to be adopted by Gwyneth Paltrow?
If you’ve run out of sexy gift ideas for your significant other, fear not, for Goop always provides. Perhaps this set of Kama Sutra dinner napkins ($88) will do the trick. Are you in the market for a new crystal whip ($380)? What about a cowgirl sex machine ($1,750)? Okay, fine, can I at least interest you in this ass-shaped ashtray ($80)? No? Just the $28,500 sex-dungeon chaise lounge, then?
Goop’s gift guides read like someone who has no idea what anything costs. How much is a plaid button-down these days? $2,250? Can you even find a good bottle opener for less than $76? I got you these two tiny claw clips, and get this: They only cost $54. Honey, please don’t use the good baguette bag — take the one that only cost $239. However, this year’s pièce de résistance is this literal bag of poop. More specifically, it is a nine-pound bag of free-range animal manure ($75). But we all know what it really is: a sack of shit. I hope the editorial staff member who suggested adding “giftable poop” to Gwyneth Paltrow’s internet got an immediate standing ovation.
Whether you’re shopping for your spouse, your snobby friend, your trust-fund baby, or your worst enemy, there is someone for everyone on this list. And that something is a bag of shit.