Everyone has spent the year getting horny for the Succession cast, and to round out the year, Entertainment Weekly has gifted us with a beautiful photo shoot of the three youngest Roy siblings — Shiv (Sarah Snook), Roman (Kieran Culkin), and Kendall (Jeremy Strong) — to snack on between seasons.
Yet before I cut out these photos and hang them above my bed like a Tiger Beat centerfold, I just have to ask: What exactly is Kendall — sorry, “actor Jeremy Strong” — going for here? Why is he dressed like a budget Hugh Jackman in The Prestige, beckoning us into some sort of industrial chamber of secrets? Why is his pinky ring so oversize? Why is his blouse so silky and ruched? Why is his beard so unkempt, yet his hair so gelled? Is that a sun-kissed glow, suggesting our boy has recently returned from a covert business mission to some warmer climate? And what of the green light — the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us? It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther …
Alas, whatever Ken is doing, I must admit: je l’aime. Somehow not even his terrible rap, or even that one time he pooped his pants, is enough to quell the fire that burns in me for Waystar Royco’s prodigal son. Finally I understand when the teens say they want their crushes to run them over with a truck. So … light me on fire like your beard, Kenny. I promise I won’t tell daddy.