On Tuesday, Esquire published a lengthy interview with director Quentin Tarantino and the stars of his new movie, Once Upon a Time in … Hollywood, Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio. The three men talk about the film, developing its characters, the highs and lows of Hollywood, and at one point early on, Pitt makes a joke about “boner pants,” but the thing I kept coming back to, the thing that sent a shiver of confusion and foreboding down my spine, was this image of Brad Pitt you see on the left there — sitting at a card table, smoking cigarettes, in front of an untouched cheeseburger and an … enormous glass of milk? What?
Looking at the photo, my mouth filled with an unwelcome melange of phantom flavors — hot smoke, tobacco, churned together with creamy, whole milk. I imagined the rumbling protests of Brad’s stomach, hours later, as it vocally and vigorously protests this unholy combination of dairy and nicotine. I imagined myself sitting at Brad Pitt’s dining table, amid his sculptures, and having him present me with a heaping tray of American Spirits and a jug of whole milk and him saying, Bon appetit! I imagined my death.
Just as I was moving past my discomfort, accepting that which I cannot change (Brad Pitt’s enormous glass of milk + cigarettes pairing) I was confronted with this image of Brad and Quentin reclined in pool chairs, a gold bar cart parked between them topped with whiskey, cigarettes, and … yes, Brad’s full glass of milk.
What is happening? Who came up with this combo? Why can’t I get this horrible taste out of my mouth? Help me, please. And help Brad Pitt.