Dirtbag Fashion is a column dedicated to the art of doing very little and assuming you look good anyway.
If you’ve ever been on literally any website, you’ve surely heard the term lifehack, which is a fancy way of saying “you can make this one thing easier/more efficient by doing this other thing.” In the Dirtbag Fashion universe — where comfort is paramount but coolness is not wholly neglected — lifehacks can be the difference between looking reasonably presentable (the norm for a dirtbag) and like you’ve just sprung from the pages of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. But even the most common lifehacks can be daunting for a dirtbag to employ: Carry a Tide pen around? No. Put dryer sheets in your pillowcases? Uh, what are dryer sheets? Pancake mix in an old ketchup bottle? Get out of town.
No dirtbag lifehack should come at the cost of extreme, low-key, uninterrupted comfort. Instead, it should be a fix within reach — probably free and as easy to use as humanly possible. Crowdsourced from disciples of the Dirtbag Fashion way of life, here are the 14 best lifehacks for the people who are even too lazy to use lifehacks.
1. Never buy a bag. There are literally free tote bags everywhere you look. You can have one of mine. I’ve got hundreds.
2. Don’t worry about face-blotting papers. Blot your face with a toilet-seat cover — it’s the same material, basically.
3. Lint-roll your clothes with the free packing stickers you find at FedEx stores and the post office.
4. Use Vaseline for everything — a shoe shine, a nice face glow, a sleek hairdo, moisturizer, pranks.
5. You never need more than one beanie. When you roll the bottom up, it looks like one kind of beanie, and when you roll the bottom down, it looks like a totally different kind of beanie. Now you have two beanies.
6. Instead of buying new shoes, wash your shoelaces and they’ll give the impression that they are basically new.
7. Always make plans with different people so you can wear the same outfit every night of the week. Alternately, leave your house as little as possible.
8. If you’ve been crying — not saying you were, but just in case you were … — steep two tea bags in hot water and press them on your eyelids for five minutes. (Be mindful of not burning your eyeballs, though.)
9. Long socks serve two purposes: They can be long socks. And then they can be rolled down to become short socks.
10. If you have small feet, buy kids’ shoes instead of adult shoes. Much cheaper.
11. Overalls are a great way to cover up a shirt with holes in it, a stain on it, or both.
12. Become one of those people who doesn’t wash their hair.
13. When you don’t feel like ironing, turn the blow-dryer on your shirt and smooth it down with your hand. It never works, but it will give you the satisfaction that you at least tried.
14. A good, filling, and cheap snack is a hard-boiled egg. Put it in a plastic bag with a little salt, then it’s ready whenever you are.