Fug Girls: The Fashion Highlights and Lowlights From Cannes
Photo: Getty Images
Awards season gets a lot of column inches, but when it comes to Major Fashion Moments — capital letters required — the Cannes Film Festival is unparalleled. It’s a two-week Canneslaught of red carpets, photo-calls, and galas, and Hollywood brings it in the form of big skirts, big hits, and big thigh-slits. In the spirit of positivity and love we have all been whipped into following True Love’s Fulfillment (a.k.a., the Kimye Wedding), this slideshow is dedicated to the myriad of ways this year’s film festival underscored the one thing we know to be true: Cannes is simply the best. And yes, that includes saying something nice about Justin Bieber.
THE RANDOMS Cannes pulls in major star quotient, but it doesn’t skimp on bizarre and random eye candy, either. Like, say, the lady wearing the of...
THE RANDOMS Cannes pulls in major star quotient, but it doesn’t skimp on bizarre and random eye candy, either. Like, say, the lady wearing the offspring of a doily and a wicker chair. Or random Russian TV personality Elena Lenina, who literally crowned herself with hair twice — and then wore a necklace afflicted with elephantiasis of the Mardi Gras. If we had to get stuck in a French elevator with someone, it would be her. Photo: Getty Images
THAT TIME WE REALIZED WE’D TOTALLY GET IN THIS SANDWICH When did Steve Carell become such a silver fox?
Photo: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Get...
THAT TIME WE REALIZED WE’D TOTALLY GET IN THIS SANDWICH When did Steve Carell become such a silver fox?
Photo: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images
HOPEFULLY, THE END OF THAT JACKASS PRANKSTER If you’re an actress, you probably expect event security to be tight enough that some random i...
HOPEFULLY, THE END OF THAT JACKASS PRANKSTER If you’re an actress, you probably expect event security to be tight enough that some random idiot can’t jump out and crawl under your skirt on the red carpet. That the particular asswagon who did it to America Ferrera is a known-and-repeat prankster (he once crotch-bombed Bradley Cooper, among other things) just makes it worse. Here’s hoping this fool’s face has finally been placed on some kind of no-fy list so he can’t finagle his way into another event. Because this went beyond a prank and into a violation, and that’s not funny, which was presumably his purpose — which means he officially fails at EVERYTHING. Photo: Getty Images
THE MASSIVE BALL GOWNS Cannes attracts those who aren’t afraid to make a red-carpet land grab with enormous skirts. Freida Pinto busted out two i...
THE MASSIVE BALL GOWNS Cannes attracts those who aren’t afraid to make a red-carpet land grab with enormous skirts. Freida Pinto busted out two in quick succession — this coral Oscar de la Renta and a feathery Michael Kors. Bollywood’s Sonam Kapoor whipped out an Elie Saab big enough to hide four other dresses inside, and Blake Lively wore a showstopping Gucci Premiere gown that announced her as a movie star even without an IMDb page backing that up. Smart all around, because the only thing as memorable as a major gown is no gown at all, and which column would you rather be in? Speaking of ... Photo: Getty Images
THE NUDITY Because, sometimes, clutching your pearls is an entertaining way to pass an evening. We don’t entirely know who Frédériq...
THE NUDITY Because, sometimes, clutching your pearls is an entertaining way to pass an evening. We don’t entirely know who Frédérique Bel and Hofit Golan even are, beyond Cannes semi-regulars who semi-regularly whip it all out, but we had hopedThe Face’s Anne V would remember that the Anne part of her is more noteworthy than the V part. Photo: Getty Images
GOWNS THAT ARE MASSIVE IN OTHER WAYS Nicole Kidman, here in Armani Prive, consistently deploys her most interesting wardrobe in Cannes; maybe the...
GOWNS THAT ARE MASSIVE IN OTHER WAYS Nicole Kidman, here in Armani Prive, consistently deploys her most interesting wardrobe in Cannes; maybe the French air invigorates her. We also loved Eva Green’s witchy blood-red Elie Saab with the fluttery, conniving cape — seriously, that gown was born for sorcery — and adore Salma Hayek for bringing back hot pink, which we didn’t realize we’d missed until we saw her sassy Saint Laurent. Photo: Getty Images
NICE PEOPLE MAKING TERRIBLE DECISIONS As sure as Cannes produces breathtaking glamour, it also elicits a handful of gut-splitting groans. Such as...
NICE PEOPLE MAKING TERRIBLE DECISIONS As sure as Cannes produces breathtaking glamour, it also elicits a handful of gut-splitting groans. Such as when Julianne Moore traipsed around in a Chanel that made her look like she’d been cross-pollinated with a shag carpet, or when model Karlie Kloss draped herself in dreary-eggplant Valentino lace. And those glorified Chanel sweatpants on Kristen Stewart are unflattering from every angle. Is Karl pranking us now?
Photo: Getty Images
THE COLORFUL SPORTCOATS Menswear in general is getting more interesting, but Cannes usually involves classic tuxes and run-of-the-mill casualwear...
THE COLORFUL SPORTCOATS Menswear in general is getting more interesting, but Cannes usually involves classic tuxes and run-of-the-mill casualwear. So we’re grateful for the whimsy of Sylvester Stallone — leading his parade of Expendables in a Radiant Orchid jacket — and Robert Pattinson’s unusual green blazer. While we admittedly aren’t sure about Ryan Reynolds’s getup, at least it’s not boring ... ? So, points for effort. And for eventually changing out of it.
Photo: Getty Images
JUSTIN BIEBER WEARING PANTS THAT STAYED UP ON THEIR OWN It’s a Cannesmas miracle.
Photo: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/2014 Getty Images
CHRISTINA HENDRICKS IN ALBERTA FERRETTI We’re not sure why she had to go all the way to France to hit the red carpet in a gown that cradles her c...
CHRISTINA HENDRICKS IN ALBERTA FERRETTI We’re not sure why she had to go all the way to France to hit the red carpet in a gown that cradles her curves the way they should be. Can’t someone hook a sister up closer to home?
Photo: Andreas Rentz/2014 Getty Images
THE RED LIPS We’re so over starlets erasing their lips with flesh-toned glosses. Three cheers for Amber Heard, Laetitia Casta, Aishwarya Ra...
THE RED LIPS We’re so over starlets erasing their lips with flesh-toned glosses. Three cheers for Amber Heard, Laetitia Casta, Aishwarya Rai, and everyone else who got the memo that a bold mouth is not only a welcome sight but a sexy one.
Photo: Getty Images
JESS WEIXLER There’s usually at least one comparatively unknown actress who uses the Cannes carpets to declare herself. Once upon a time, i...
JESS WEIXLER There’s usually at least one comparatively unknown actress who uses the Cannes carpets to declare herself. Once upon a time, it was Jessica Chastain; this year, it was her Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby co-star Jess Weixler, whom we already love from her work on The Good Wife (we hear she was great in that vagina dentata movie, Teeth, but let’s be honest: We didn’t see it because the mere concept of a genital Jaws is terrifying enough). Weixler splashed out in a very cool Martin Grant gown — it’s what we wish Zoe Saldana’s Met Gala dress had been -- a gorgeous spaghetti-strapped black Armani, and a floaty blue Honor confection, all of which felt different and distinct in the best ways. Tip your stylist, kid, and come back next year, please. Photo: Getty Images
THE WEATHER Cannes brought the gusts this year. We’re sure Mother Nature’s cranky wind machine felt like an agonizing inconvenience for the...
THE WEATHER Cannes brought the gusts this year. We’re sure Mother Nature’s cranky wind machine felt like an agonizing inconvenience for the actresses, but it yielded some stunning pictures for us to ogle. So we’ll be selfish and call that a win.
Photo: Getty Images
CONFIRMATION THAT ROSARIO DAWSON NEEDS A STYLE INTERVENTION We’re not exactly happy about this, but we’ve felt it coming fo...
CONFIRMATION THAT ROSARIO DAWSON NEEDS A STYLE INTERVENTION We’re not exactly happy about this, but we’ve felt it coming for a long time and it’s always gratifying when one’s Spidey sense tingles correctly. Dawson sported looks that were questionable at best — that black-and-white Dolce & Gabbana is smothering her chest — and hideously unflattering at worst, like the blue Roksanda Ilincic. Dawson’s outfits wear her and not the other way around, and we’d like to see her swim against that current before it drowns her. Photo: Getty Images
THE RETURN OF RYAN GOSLING Hey, girl.
Photo: Getty Images
THE CONTINUED BLANCHETTUDE OF CATE BLANCHETT In which the subject continues to pull off looks (by Delpozo, Givenchy, and Armani, respectively) th...
THE CONTINUED BLANCHETTUDE OF CATE BLANCHETT In which the subject continues to pull off looks (by Delpozo, Givenchy, and Armani, respectively) that would eat other people alive.
Photo: Getty Images (2), Courtesy of Armani
THE DISCONTINUED BLANCHETTUDE OF ZOE SALDANA For a time, we suspected Zoe Saldana had ordered entire kegs of whatever potion gives Cate Blanchett...
THE DISCONTINUED BLANCHETTUDE OF ZOE SALDANA For a time, we suspected Zoe Saldana had ordered entire kegs of whatever potion gives Cate Blanchett that superhuman ability to pull off crazy clothes, and she usually maximizes that at Cannes — like this peppermint of a gown, her dusky blue Valentino, or even this black-and-white flowered frock with hits of neon. But this year, Saldana looked neither extra glorious nor extra crazy. She looked, dare we say, a bit boring. And average. It’s almost a relief. Our informal rule is One Blanchett at a Time. Photo: Getty Images
JENNIFER AND MARION WEARING DIORS THAT WORKED We’re not sure how, exactly, but Jennifer Lawrence is pulling off that tiny skirt and crop top with...
JENNIFER AND MARION WEARING DIORS THAT WORKED We’re not sure how, exactly, but Jennifer Lawrence is pulling off that tiny skirt and crop top without looking like a cheerleader at Oz High School. And Marion just looks like grace personified.
Photo: Getty Images
JENNIFER AND MARION WEARING DIORS THAT DID NOT WORK This is only satisfying because we think, way down deep, people who saw these dresses l...
JENNIFER AND MARION WEARING DIORS THAT DID NOT WORK This is only satisfying because we think, way down deep, people who saw these dresses luxuriated in the overhanging question of What the Hell Is Going on Over at Dior? Like schadenfreude, but with more dread. Diorenfreude?
Photo: Getty Images
THIS OVERHEAD CAMERA ANGLE When you see Cannes red-carpet photos from ground level, there are clusters of photographers and looky-loos on a...
THIS OVERHEAD CAMERA ANGLE When you see Cannes red-carpet photos from ground level, there are clusters of photographers and looky-loos on all sides. But these almost-tranquil angles from the sky make the red-carpet experience look solitary, serene, and poetic. As if someone had pushed the mute button. It’s striking.
Photo: Francois Durand/2014 French Select via Getty Images
CRAZY SHARON STONE Even if she’s MIA the rest of the time, Sharon never fails to show up for Cannes’s Cavalli yacht party and the amfAR gal...
CRAZY SHARON STONE Even if she’s MIA the rest of the time, Sharon never fails to show up for Cannes’s Cavalli yacht party and the amfAR gala — and thank God for that, because although Sharon is breathtaking when she’s put herself together (why didn’t she wear that gold gown all week?), she is way more entertaining when she dresses like your fabulously exhausting aunt who still claims she’s 29. Photo: Getty Images
THE ENDURING CHARMS OF JULIETTE BINOCHE We promise this isn’t just an excuse to rag on Stewart’s outfit again. We just love Binoche’s brand...
THE ENDURING CHARMS OF JULIETTE BINOCHE We promise this isn’t just an excuse to rag on Stewart’s outfit again. We just love Binoche’s brand of glam and dignity, especially contrasted with the cheerful way she proves she can kick up her heels in heels. To quote Molly Shannon’s Sally O’Malley, another woman who could kick and jump and kick, Juliette is 50. Fifty years old. Yet she’s still got it over so many of the young 'uns.
Photo: Getty Images
THE SUDDENLY FRENCH CHARM OF CHLOE GRACE MORETZ This hat would look silly on 99 out of a 100 ingenues, but CGM just looks charming and gamine. We...
THE SUDDENLY FRENCH CHARM OF CHLOE GRACE MORETZ This hat would look silly on 99 out of a 100 ingenues, but CGM just looks charming and gamine. We can only credit whatever they’re putting in the water in France, and hope they pipe some of it over to us.
Photo: Michael Buckner/2014 Getty Images
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY’S STRONG SHOWING We don’t know if we’re supposed to treat Rosie as an actress, or a hyphenate, or what, but this year ...
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY’S STRONG SHOWING We don’t know if we’re supposed to treat Rosie as an actress, or a hyphenate, or what, but this year she was the model who turned up looking surprisingly polished and glam, as if she’s taking her career extremely seriously even if none of us is quite sure what that career is — and even if at Cannes it primarily involved promoting a commercial for ice cream. In fact, that’s part of what makes Cannes so delightful: There is a photo-call for a commercial for ice cream. Never change, Cannes. Never change. Photo: Getty Images
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